G-d's Broken Heart

G-d's Broken Heart

     One of the biggest revelations that G-d has ever given me, that shakes me to my core even years later, is His heart. I won't claim to completely understand the heart of the Creator because, quite frankly, I don't think we will capture anymore than a mere glimpse of it until we reach Paradise and are in His arms. But I would like to share what He has shown me and hopefully give you a newer perspective. 

     Before I start, I want to clarify that I am not one of those people that claim, "G-d is the god of love and He would never send anyone to Hell because He loves them too much." Yes, G-d IS the god of love and I don't believe He willingly sends anyone to Hell, however, the wording of the previously mentioned statement leaves people very confused and can lead them towards destruction. 

     We talk about sin a lot. Of course we do because we all want to know what to do and what not to do in order to spend eternity in freedom rather than flames and brokenness. But we have this idea that sin is something that G-d has set aside and said, "Don't do these things because if you do, I won't like it, it will piss me off, and I'll send you to Hell." But that's not AT ALL what He has said on the subject. There are things in this world that we were not created for. Things that entered in when Adam and Eve took the fruit. Things Satan dangles in front of us saying, "Come on, come on, do this. Do this. You're weird if you don't do this or if you don't accept it. Come on just do it." But then, he turns around and says, "Look what you did. Look what you did. You won't ever be worth anything now." And the common thought is that when we do sin G-d is looking at us in anger just waiting to condemn us to Hell. But that is not the reality of my Jesus.

     The reality is that when you sin, His heart breaks. Because He has told us the truth. The truth that He made us, He made this whole earth, and He knows how it works. And He knows what will hurt us. And the only reason He has said one thing or another about how you live your life is because He wants you to HAVE life. His heart is broken for us when we sin because He sees how it hurts us and He knows that we were never meant to live that way. We were never meant to be alone or be broken the way we are. And as believers we are called His children so when we mess up and sin He doesn't get angry. He HURTS. Because He knows that we are His and He doesn't understand why would still choose brokenness over Him. And He knows where it's leading us to. He knows, even if we don't grasp it, that we are choosing Hell and death.

      If G-d wanted to control us, then He wouldn't have given us free will. G-d almighty of the whole universe can (I imagine it this way) snap His fingers or speak a word and have anything and everything He wants. The only thing He can't have that way is our unconditional free love. Sure, He could make us love Him, but that's not what He wants. He wants a free lover. He wants us to choose Him and love Him that way. He doesn't want robots. 

     The Bible uses the analogy that G-d is the Groom and we are the Bride so much and I think it is a perfect depiction. As nontraditional as this may sound, today G-d revealed it to me like this: It's like that movie Pretty Woman with Julia Roberts. Julia Roberts is playing a prostitute who is living a dangerous life that is leaving her broken and scarred. But then Richard Gere comes in and He says, "Please, come with me. I can give you a better life, I can give you all that you need and more. Trust me." And after she does, they get married, her life is better and they live happily ever after.

     This is very much what G-d does to us. He sees us whoring ourselves out trying to get love but He is begging us to come to Him because He has what we are searching for. 

     It's time to get over the "do's and don'ts" list and see that when we sin G-d doesn't hate us, He mourns us. With a heart's wound so vast that all the oceans could spill in and still have room for a flood of tears.

     Prayer: Father G-d, please take my legalistic heart of stone and resurrect it to a heart of flesh. A heart that breaks for what breaks yours. So that when I sin, when I am separated from you, my heart is broken just as yours so that I can come back to You and say that I am sorry. Thank you, Jesus for dying for me so that I don't have to. For giving me life. Forgive me for not seeing things as you, but give me Your eyes to see. Don't let me become so consumed with religion and ministry that I forget to be a lover to you. Like a bride waits in anticipation for her groom on her wedding night, I will wait for you. Holy Spirit, fill me with desire for Jesus and all things that are good and righteous in G-d's sight. Steal my heart from these fleeting joys I crave too much. In the beautiful name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

     Scripture: Ezekiel 16

If I Had Committed Suicide

If I Had Committed Suicide....

      Have you ever woken up only to wish you hadn't?

     Have you ever had someone that the words they said to you on a particular night depended on if you would continue living or not?

      Have you ever written a suicide note explaining to those you left behind, why?

      I've done all of these things. And many more. This isn't going to be a blog about my testimony, because that's not what is on my heart to share. Last night, I got home from work about 11:45 pm, normal time, and went into my bedroom where my wife was already laying ready for bed. I gave her a kiss and I laid my head on her chest just to look at her smiling face. And it was in that moment I thought, "If I had committed suicide all those years ago, this would have never happened." 

      That led me on a rabbit trail of all the things I never would have gotten to do if I had committed suicide before I gave my life over to Christ on March 26, 2011. I thought I should share those thoughts because if you've ever thought about suicide, or if you're thinking about it now, it might help you.

       So here is a list that humbles me to my core of things I would have never done had I committed suicide like I planned:

1. I would have never been a junior in high school.
2. I would have never driven a car as a licensed driver.
3. I would have never met some of my closest friends.
4. I would have never graduated high school
5. I would have never become friends with my best friend, Travis, whom I couldn't imagine life without.
6. I would have never wanted to start the bible study that introduced me to my wife.
7. I would have never gotten a tattoo
8. I would have never known that I was worth a man dying on a tree.
9. I would have never gotten married.
10. I would have never had a job
11. I would have never had my own apartment or house.
12. I would have never had kids.
13. I would have never known what it was like to pledge to stand next to someone for your whole life.
14. I would have never laid in my wife's comforting arms and looked at her smile.
15. I would have never danced in the moonlight under the stars.
16. I would have never known what it is to hope or love.
17. I would have never known who Jesus was.
18. I would have never known what it was like to be an adult.
19. I would have never had the relationships that hold me up so strongly right now.
20. I would have never known Megan Humphreys.

     There are so many other things that can go on that list. If I wasn't alive right now I wouldn't have felt then sunshine on my face today that brings such peace and innocence to life. I'm so thankful that Jesus showed up in my life before I ended it. But at the same time, I'm so thankful for those dark times. The times when I didn't want to wake up anymore, when life seemed too hard, when I had no hope. Simply because, if it wasn't for feeling so much pain, I wouldn't appreciate the sweetness of comfort. If you're reading this, no matter where you are in your life, know that you're worth it. You're not hopeless, or worthless, you're loved. By the creator of the whole universe. When you feel like there is no one out there cares whether or not you live or die, know that there is a meek man from Nazareth that wants so much for you to live a happy life in His arms. No matter what age you are, you won't be that age forever. Things are going to change so much. Keep faith in the darkest of times because when He carries you out you can scream over the mountains the things He has done for you, and ultimately, it could save someone else. Put the razor blade down and walk outside. Feel His love radiating in the sunshine that hits your face and see His beauty in the blue sky. This is your time now to wake up and rise from the dead. You don't have to keep living this way. It's a good day to be alive.

     I just want to thank G-d for bringing me so far, and my wife, Megan for loving me like Jesus loves the world and showing me there is so much beauty to keep seeing.