If I Had Committed Suicide

If I Had Committed Suicide....

      Have you ever woken up only to wish you hadn't?

     Have you ever had someone that the words they said to you on a particular night depended on if you would continue living or not?

      Have you ever written a suicide note explaining to those you left behind, why?

      I've done all of these things. And many more. This isn't going to be a blog about my testimony, because that's not what is on my heart to share. Last night, I got home from work about 11:45 pm, normal time, and went into my bedroom where my wife was already laying ready for bed. I gave her a kiss and I laid my head on her chest just to look at her smiling face. And it was in that moment I thought, "If I had committed suicide all those years ago, this would have never happened." 

      That led me on a rabbit trail of all the things I never would have gotten to do if I had committed suicide before I gave my life over to Christ on March 26, 2011. I thought I should share those thoughts because if you've ever thought about suicide, or if you're thinking about it now, it might help you.

       So here is a list that humbles me to my core of things I would have never done had I committed suicide like I planned:

1. I would have never been a junior in high school.
2. I would have never driven a car as a licensed driver.
3. I would have never met some of my closest friends.
4. I would have never graduated high school
5. I would have never become friends with my best friend, Travis, whom I couldn't imagine life without.
6. I would have never wanted to start the bible study that introduced me to my wife.
7. I would have never gotten a tattoo
8. I would have never known that I was worth a man dying on a tree.
9. I would have never gotten married.
10. I would have never had a job
11. I would have never had my own apartment or house.
12. I would have never had kids.
13. I would have never known what it was like to pledge to stand next to someone for your whole life.
14. I would have never laid in my wife's comforting arms and looked at her smile.
15. I would have never danced in the moonlight under the stars.
16. I would have never known what it is to hope or love.
17. I would have never known who Jesus was.
18. I would have never known what it was like to be an adult.
19. I would have never had the relationships that hold me up so strongly right now.
20. I would have never known Megan Humphreys.

     There are so many other things that can go on that list. If I wasn't alive right now I wouldn't have felt then sunshine on my face today that brings such peace and innocence to life. I'm so thankful that Jesus showed up in my life before I ended it. But at the same time, I'm so thankful for those dark times. The times when I didn't want to wake up anymore, when life seemed too hard, when I had no hope. Simply because, if it wasn't for feeling so much pain, I wouldn't appreciate the sweetness of comfort. If you're reading this, no matter where you are in your life, know that you're worth it. You're not hopeless, or worthless, you're loved. By the creator of the whole universe. When you feel like there is no one out there cares whether or not you live or die, know that there is a meek man from Nazareth that wants so much for you to live a happy life in His arms. No matter what age you are, you won't be that age forever. Things are going to change so much. Keep faith in the darkest of times because when He carries you out you can scream over the mountains the things He has done for you, and ultimately, it could save someone else. Put the razor blade down and walk outside. Feel His love radiating in the sunshine that hits your face and see His beauty in the blue sky. This is your time now to wake up and rise from the dead. You don't have to keep living this way. It's a good day to be alive.

     I just want to thank G-d for bringing me so far, and my wife, Megan for loving me like Jesus loves the world and showing me there is so much beauty to keep seeing.