One

One

     Today my wife and I celebrated our one year anniversary. On June 15th, 2013 two people became one by the power of Christ. (Genesis 2:24) A covenant was made between us that no one can break. One that directly mirrors the relationship Jesus has with His Bride. And now, it has been one year and I think that calls for sharing what this year has been for us.

     I'll never forget how that day felt. I remember that all I could think of was, "I wonder what Megan is doing right about now?" I didn't call or text her all day because I had it in my mind that we shouldn't talk before the ceremony. She hated that. But that day was all spiritual for me. I felt like everything I was, everything I had been before Christ, was going to die. I felt like an animal being brought to the alter for sacrifice. In the most unimaginably good way possible. I had been saved for a few years but I felt like as soon as I got to that alter, my shackles were finally coming off. Let me be clear, Jesus saved me. Megan didn't. My joy is in Christ. However, when you have devoted a relationship as a sacrifice before our King and He tells you that He can use you better married than apart from one another, I can't even begin to scratch the surface of what that feels like. It was no longer about me, but about me and my wife. And the excitement that came with that was indescribable. Most people have seen our wedding pictures, and let me tell you, the ones of my wife coming from behind me, praying with me, and then removing my blindfold for me to see her for the first time, were all real. They were not staged. And yes, I sobbed like a small child because all I could think was, "My G-d, she is so beautiful. How in the world are you trusting me with her?" There is nothing like seeing your bride for the first time.

     I will say that in this past year there have been many trials. More than I could have ever honestly imagined. We have faced things together that I never in my worst nightmares would believe we would face. But we did it. They say that the first year of marriage is always the hardest. I don't know if that will show to be true because there are going to be a vast amount of hard times throughout our lives. But what this first year has taught us is that we aren't alone in this. Of course we always have Holy Spirit to help us and carry us through, but now, in marriage, we have each other. We can lean on each other. From finances to family issues we have had times that truly brought us to our knees before G-d. And we've had times that have left us wondering, "Where is G-d in all this? Why isn't He helping?". But with every heart wrenching situation we have been in, we have had each other. Even when we made the mistake of believing the lie that we are still alone and treated each other like the enemy, we still came together in the end and sobbed at our Father's feet together.

     Satan hates marriage. It was the first institution that G-d set up between humans and it's the most important because it mirrors His relationship with us. And we have seen him come against us doing everything he can to attack our marriage. And my advice to fellow married people is this: don't let him. Take all your thoughts captive and bind your mind to the mind of Christ and pray for the discernment to guard your marriage against the enemy. He always tries things like giving you the idea that if you hadn't gotten married your life would be better. Or if you married someone else it would be better. Don't let him feed you those lies. You WILL face trials no matter what you do in life. It's how G-d refines and sanctifies us. You are stronger, through the blood of Christ, than Satan.

     Sometimes I think about the typical things people say about a young marriage like ours and I seriously ponder their words. I try to have a teachable spirit so I don't just shrug off things that people say to me. I think about "sewing your oats" and "how do you know that this is the one?" And to that I say, I lived my life how I wanted to. I tried that. Doing everything that I thought would make me feel good and living for the moment filling the void in me with whatever I could. I made MANY mistakes in doing so. And I found that doing whatever I wanted to didn't make me happy. At least not in a long lasting way. Only Jesus could do that for me. And I chose to walk a road with Him that required me to lay down my life and crucify my flesh daily. So the decision to give up all my "desires" for marriage was a simple one. I knew from the moment I met Megan that she was my wife. And here, two years into being together and one year into marriage, there is not one thing I regret besides all the sin I committed before I met her. We could have not gotten married. We could have "just enjoyed" our senior year in high school, gone to college as singles, and made a decision about marriage much later. But what would have really happened? Because I see so many people I know that followed that typical path and got swallowed up. Maybe I went to college as a single man. Maybe it would have been a good experience. Or maybe I would have been miserable and strayed away from Jesus. Megan and I both feel called to ministry and we felt called to young marriage. We are doing everything we can to have attentive ears and live in G-d's plan for our lives. We are one. And I wouldn't trade that for anything. As hard as it has been at times this past year, G-d has blessed us ABUNDANTLY. He has been such a loving Father.

    If there's one thing I could change about my whole life it would be to have waited for Megan. In every possible way. I cannot stress to people enough how important it is to wait. Not just for sex. But for all of it. Especially your heart. As a single, especially a male single, it's so hard to not fall for anyone and everyone that shows you attention. But it's worth the struggle. Marriage is extremely wonderful. The experience of being one with someone before G-d, keeping your relationship grounded on Christ, and all the other things that come with marriage make life so much sweeter. Even the bad things. Marriage is not a fairytale, there are plenty of broken nights and tough arguments. But life is a learning experience and in marriage, you're not having to learn alone. You have someone standing with you learning with you. So, please, wait. This current struggle is worth the amazing sweetness of marriage. And it's so much sweeter when you do things right. When you wait for your wedding night and you only belong to each other. Keep pressing forward. Wait for G-d to move you because ultimately He is your first love.

     Our first year of marriage has been wonderful. Not perfect, but wonderful. I love my wife more than I did on our wedding day because now I know what it means to truly be in love with someone. Through all the hard times, through all the laughs, all the tears, all the sweet moments--loving someone is not about the romantic happy feeling you get. My wife is so passionate, so strong, so courageous, so gentle, so loving, and so kind. I am forever eternally grateful to my G-d for giving me to her. And when we are fifty and we aren't so pretty anymore, I'll still find everything about her smokin' hot. This life I'm living is the best I could have ever asked for. And I'm so excited to have many, many, many, many more anniversaries.

He Calls Me Child

He Calls Me Child

          Right now it is May. And for some reason that means: busy. I mean really busy. Lately adulthood and responsibility has been especially stressful for my wife and I. We plan on moving to a new town in the next month and we are very excited for what G-d has in store for that but the stress of moving has begun to sink in. We have one month until our lease runs up and as of now, we have no idea where we will be living. We have found many houses that are good options but nothing that just feels right. That along with, jobs, schedules, finances, bills, school, dogs, family, friends, etc. has made everything seem so much more stressful than it needs to be. I tell you all of this so that you understand my thought process a bit.

          The other day, after looking at a couple houses that both had major things wrong with them that keeps them from being suitable for our needs, I was thinking about how stressful everything is. I was actually sitting in my car in the parking lot of my work about to go in for my shift. And all I could think is how badly I want to quit and live life next to my wife not ever worrying about anything. Ultimately, I was wishing to be a child again. I didn't think too much of it because quite frankly, even in the midst of stressful busy times, I love my life as it is. But today I was on my way to work and I wasn't even thinking about my wishes from two days ago and G-d just reminded me, "You are my child." 

         Of course, this is something we know already. But the way He was speaking to me was truly in a way of, "give up your worries, crawl into my lap, and let me be your Daddy." 

          I grew up without a father. My grandfather was my only father figure and as amazing as he is, there will always be a void a little boy, or little girl, will feel when their biological father is not around. And that is why most times when I turn to G-d, I turn to Him as my Savior, my Lover, my Friend. It takes a lot of focus on my part to truly let G-d be my Father. And today, it was as easy as it was for me to crawl into my papa's lap when I was little. That moment with G-d, while driving, was such a sweet moment to me. I love how He loves us. I love that He knows my core and He knows what I need to keep going. 

          We may grow up into adults and away from our parents, taking on responsibility, and even a family of our own in this life; but we will always be five-year-old children in the eyes of Father Yaweh. I can sit in His lap. I can cry in His arms and not be afraid to let my tears fall on His forearm. I can trust Him to hold me and love me with purity that my mind cannot even fathom. 

          There's a worship song I love that many times, when I am broken and hurting, G-d just reminds me to listen to. It's called Brokenness Aside by All Sons and Daughters. And the line that I love is, "Will You call me child when I tell you lies? Cause all I know is how to cry." And Daddy reminded me of that today. And as I felt His strong arms, that once hung bare on a tree, wrap around me; I felt like He was saying, "No matter where you go, no matter what you do, no matter how you see yourself, or what the enemy tells me about you; I love you. You are my child and I will never let you go. I am here, little one."

Prayer: Abba Father, I pray that You would instill this in me tonight. That You would let me grow closer to You as Your child with You as my Daddy. That You would make my ear attentive to Your Voice and that I would find joy in Your instruction. I pray that You would have mercy and grace over my family as You bring us into a new season and that You would give us the strength to die to ourselves and trust in You. Thank You, Jesus for Your Blood. Thank You for making a way for me to be adopted into sonship. And thank You, that You sent Holy Spirit to dwell with us so we wouldn't be left orphans. Thank You for loving me like no one else ever could. Thank You for calling me your child. In Jesus' Holy and beautiful, soul saving Name I pray, Amen.

 For you have not received a spirit of slavery [leading] to fear again, but you have received the Spirit of adoption, by whom we cry out, "Abba! Father!" -Romans 8:15

Forget Church

Forget Church

     This specific topic is one that has been on my heart for quite a while; about a year now. I never really wrote anything on it because quite frankly, it was something G-d was still teaching me. It's been a season of humility having to accept things as they are and let G-d show me what is right and what is wrong. This past week my wife and I have been on a cruise and one night I was sitting on the deck of the ship and G-d told me the season was over. Therefore, I now feel it is appropriate to share the things He has been teaching me and will continue to teach me throughout my life.

     Forget church. Forget the Sunday/Wednesday church. In the past few years I have been honored to walk alongside of some amazing leaders and pastors. But also, I have seen some terrible flaws in the church. Which is understandable. We are human and we will make mistakes. It's our responses to our mistakes that truly make us. Before I get into that, let me explain what I mean by saying "forget church". By no means am I saying forget the Body of Christ. That is the true meaning of church. Not the building or the worship service. And I'm not encouraging you to never step foot in another church building again. You see, there are two radical groups out there: one, you need to be in church every time the doors are open because it's crucial to you getting into Heaven. and two, you shouldn't go to church at all because it's corrupt. I guess you could say that I am somewhere in the middle. Now, those that know me, and know me well, know that I am a firm believer in relying on your brothers and sisters in Christ to help you in life. And one of the best ways to do that is by getting plugged into corporate church. However, you cannot make that church that you walk into every time the doors open your salvation. Your relationship with Christ must stand alone and not depend on anything but you and Him. Because the fact is, all churches are corrupt. In some way or another they are doing something wrong because we are human and we cannot be made perfect until we reach Paradise. The trick is finding the one you trust the most. So forget church. Depend on Jesus. 

     In the past few years I, personally, have seen a lot of horrible things happen in churches that claimed to have it all together. Idolatry, greed, lies, manipulation, emotionalism, adultery, etc. And I've been reflecting on those things lately because some of the leaders that I trusted most ended up being false instructors. If I had not had my roots in Christ and if I was solely putting faith in those leaders, I would have easily turned back to atheism. The whole reason I refused to buy what they were saying all those years about Jesus was because of the distrust I had for Christians. So when things turned out to be not at all what I thought they were, I should have been right back where I started, right? I could have. But I knew my Jesus. And I had seen what He had done with my life and was still doing and I knew that even if there are people perverting His love and grace that He still abounds and He is truth. His Word is true. And I'm not saying that it didn't shake my faith, because it did. I had put a lot of faith in those leaders and that is where G-d taught me one of the most wonderful things. Your worship at home should look like it does at church. I'm all about screaming and dancing, falling out and speaking in tongues. But if that is how the Spirit moves you then it should be like that at home too because His Spirit never changes. You don't need those awesome worship services to experience G-d. They do help and they are wonderful experiences, but that's not all there is to our Jesus. 

     I was listening to a song by Switchfoot today that had a line that gripped me so hard and it said, "suspicion is the new religion". Wow. How true is this? It seems like we are having such hard time being led by a pastor because of all our church hurt. Again, we put too much faith into people and not enough into Christ. The whole point of Jesus dying was so that we could be with Him. One on One. Before He died you needed priests and sacrifices. Now all you need is to speak and listen. But yet we are still relying on churches and pastors to tell us about our own Lover? The Bible says that you are the Bride of Christ. So basically what we have been doing is like me never really getting to know my wife and only getting information about her through her friends. Sure, if I need advice or if I want a little bit of what they know I can always ask. But I don't rely on her friends to tell me who my lover is. It's the same with Jesus. We should be looking for council, wisdom, and insight from our leaders but not look to them for ALL of it. We've all been in that place, including myself, where the most you know about the Bible is what you heard from a pulpit and not what you read on your own.

     When and why did church become about money and greed? Pulling in numbers to see who the biggest and baddest are? About making your building the coolest and most appealing to people? I once heard a good friend of mine preach about Haiti. He had gone there on a mission shortly after the natural disasters that occurred there. He told me that he saw people standing, NOT SITTING, in the nicest things they owned in the blazing hot sun on the top of a hill just to sing a cappella worship songs and hear the Word of G-d as one. Would we do that? What would we do without our trendy sanctuaries and video games in the teen rooms? Do we truly hunger to know G-d like that? We've got it good. But I think those Haitians are on the right track. 

     Don't get me wrong, church is a good thing. I would not have been able to make it through some of my darkest times without my church family. And even after those churches broke up, those people that were there for me like the Body of Christ should be, are still my family. One group specifically still meets up whenever they can just to love on each other and talk about what G-d has been doing. I love church. I really do. But I don't love being condemned and hated on because "righteous" people don't agree with everything about me. I don't love hearing a pastor say, "I would give money to send women to Atlanta to preach to strippers if it had something to do with kids" when money wasn't even asked for. All that was asked was that it could be publicized in the church that they were doing it. I don't love feeling unwelcome in a church because immaturity has allowed brothers and sisters that used to pray with me and fast with me to slander my name. I don't love going to church week after week to hear prosperity messages instead of addressing suicide, depression, anxiety, the broken. You know, the people that Jesus actually came to save? The people that we once were? I also don't love emotionalism, when nothing about the service is truly truly real. The sad thing is is that this issue has been discussed. People address it all the time. Like it's some big conundrum to solve. When in reality, all it would take to solve it is for everyone to bind their minds to the minds of Christ.

     At this point, I'm rambling. To sum it all up, the building church is not your salvation. The Body Church is crucial. But more than anything your own romantic relationship with Jesus Christ is the only important thing. We are human. We sin. Constantly. People and churches and leaders and teachers will all fail you. But Jesus won't. That doesn't mean you stop going to church. It just means that every once in a while it's good to do a heart check and see where your faith and devotion lies. People are selling the gospel coated with beautiful lies. But we need to stand against it. Preach the truth. Pray for strength and grace. And do everything we can to let Jesus shine through us even when we fail. We have to stand firm together as a united Bride of Christ. And we have to appreciate the sweet moments when we feel G-d most. Like singing worship songs in your car. Or a Bible study with friends. Or going camping with your brothers and sisters. Just being united together. Live for Jesus Christ and Him alone. Pain will come, things will be hard, but that's okay. He has overcome and He has made us overcomers.

"Yet again, they beat You down and tear You limb from limb. But we wash our hands and then raise them up in remembrance. 'Bless You, Lord. Leave us be. Rest in peace'. You're not a memory we celebrate. You're not a martyr that we venerate. And G-d forgive us if the church forgets. You are not a corpse, and we're not a movement. You're alive and we're the flesh You'll wear till the world ends." -Curse by My Epic

The Truth About Sex

The Truth About Sex

     

     G-d has been laying it on my heart recently to start talking about sex. And the truth of what it means and why G-d has said what He has on the subject. I haven't found too many churches that truly go into the depth of what it is. Most churches say, "G-d says premarital sex is a sin" and leave it at that. But telling people that, especially teenagers, doesn't make them not want to do it. It's a crime, really, because if people understood the truth about the depth that sex touches your soul, they would be more likely to stay away from it not just because G-d said to,but because they want to prevent the pain of what it brings before it is time.

     You have to know that G-d never said anything about how you live your life to take something away from you. The things He says is only because He made this world, and He made you, and He knows what will hurt you. He didn't set up a list of things that will send you to Hell. Those things are apart from Him and of Satan and so they lead you down the road to Hell. G-d is begging you not to do those things not because He wants to control you but He knows they won't lead you to Him.

      The truth is, when it comes to sex, you are not just doing something with your body. Your soul is being tied to another persons soul. And honestly, I always knew about soul ties, but until recently I never understood what they meant. When your soul is tied to someone else's you don't feel like a whole person without them. Literally. You're off balance and just kind of slow. This isn't a bad thing if it is with the right person. Specifically, your spouse. G-d created marriage so that a man and woman could become one flesh. That's literal. It's not a metaphor, folks. So you really aren't a whole person without them. Without the confines of marriage, a soul tie can be a dangerous thing. There is security in marriage. The knowledge that if you have a sexual relationship with this person, bare everything you have physically and spiritually to them, that they won't up and leave without warning. If you're dating someone and having sex with them, or even living with them, what's to stop them from getting angry and leaving? Nothing. There is no legal contract. They have no obligation to you. If they get tired of you, they can walk away and start over. In marriage that's not how it works. The fact is, at some point your spouse will annoy you. They will make you angry. Everything that happens when you're dating someone that causes you to want to break up with them will happen in marriage. But instead of being a child and walking away, you have to be an adult and reignite the fire in your marriage. You have to work on things. You can't walk away from someone at the drop of a hat. I know people in my life that have terrible wounds from having sex before marriage and then being left broken and empty. Especially Christians. It's not fun. And THAT is why G-d said to wait for marriage. Because He loves you so much He cannot stand the thought of seeing you deal with that pain.

      Sex before marriage can be frightening. You're worried about your body. Being naked in front of someone. Men and women both have their own worries and fears going into sex without the confines of marriage. And when you get married, if you have waited or not, you will still have those fears. But going into your wedding night, there is no shame. There is no shame in married sex. As a follower of Christ, when you sin, you feel shame. In marriage, there is no shame. G-d looks at married sex as worship! Crazy thought, right? He rejoices when two people have a union like that that is blessed by Him.

     Now, taking it to the next step. Before Jesus came there were laws. You followed the laws, did the sacrifices, and you were good. No sex before marriage was one of those laws. And yes, it was just as much an issue back then as it is today. But after Jesus came, everything became about Spirit. It still matters what you do with your physical body but now it even matters what you think about. Yep. He said it. Jesus told us, who is G-d by the way, that if you look at someone and think about sex with them, or anything sexual for that matter, then you've done it. You just had sex with that person in G-d's eyes by wanting to see them naked. (Matthew 5:28) Whoa now. That's a radical teaching. So from there, if a married person looks at someone with lust in their heart they have committed adultery. They cheated on their spouse in the eyes of the King. And right there, causes a whole new issue. What are you allowing into your marriage?

     Let's talk about single people. You've got needs just like anyone, right? We all get that. But it all still applies. The Bible talks about living a pure life and not taking advantage of a brother or sister sexually. Basically, if you aren't married to them; if you wouldn't do it with your sibling, don't do it with them. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8) She is not your wife. He is not your husband. You are not married. So you don't know if you will end up marrying them. They could be destined to marry someone else. And if you do something you shouldn't, you're not just sinning against G-d and that person, but that person's spouse. It's a deep concept to live by and grasp onto, I know. I struggled with it so much as a single man. But it is what G-d has said to us in His Word. And it is important.

     My wife and I dated for a little over a year before we got married. And our wedding night was the first time we had sex. And I wouldn't believe that if I hadn't lived it. By no means are we perfect, and neither are you, but we held to this very strongly because of G-d's promises. A few days after our wedding, we went out to lunch and we talked about how if we were not married, there is no way our spirit's could handle sex. It's so much deeper than what we can understand. Sex in marriage is awesome. If you don't wait, it won't be as special. It's an amazing thing to know that the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with thought that you were worth waiting for and didn't give themselves to anyone else. If you won't hold to what G-d has said for yourself, at least do it for your future spouse. Don't they deserve all of you and the best of you? Sex complicates everything. But it is so much more beautiful when you do it the way our Creator intended. As is everything in your life. If you've served Jesus for more than a few days, haven't you learned it's always better His way? I could talk for hours and hours about sex and why it's so very important to wait, but instead I will leave you with this:

     Sex is not about you. It is about a physical representation of what is spiritually happening. No space between a man and woman in body or in spirit. If you play with it outside of G-d's guidelines, it's only going to hurt you and leave you empty. But when you do it His way, it's the most wonderful thing you'll experience. It's worship. The battle is rough, but you are not alone. Let's take the taboo away from talking about this in depth and as married followers of Christ, speak to the single brothers and sisters about what they're waiting for and why it is good. And as single people, speak to brothers and sisters in support and love to help each other live a life in the fullness of what our G-d made it to be.

"Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." -Song of Solomon 8:4

G-d's Broken Heart

G-d's Broken Heart

     One of the biggest revelations that G-d has ever given me, that shakes me to my core even years later, is His heart. I won't claim to completely understand the heart of the Creator because, quite frankly, I don't think we will capture anymore than a mere glimpse of it until we reach Paradise and are in His arms. But I would like to share what He has shown me and hopefully give you a newer perspective. 

     Before I start, I want to clarify that I am not one of those people that claim, "G-d is the god of love and He would never send anyone to Hell because He loves them too much." Yes, G-d IS the god of love and I don't believe He willingly sends anyone to Hell, however, the wording of the previously mentioned statement leaves people very confused and can lead them towards destruction. 

     We talk about sin a lot. Of course we do because we all want to know what to do and what not to do in order to spend eternity in freedom rather than flames and brokenness. But we have this idea that sin is something that G-d has set aside and said, "Don't do these things because if you do, I won't like it, it will piss me off, and I'll send you to Hell." But that's not AT ALL what He has said on the subject. There are things in this world that we were not created for. Things that entered in when Adam and Eve took the fruit. Things Satan dangles in front of us saying, "Come on, come on, do this. Do this. You're weird if you don't do this or if you don't accept it. Come on just do it." But then, he turns around and says, "Look what you did. Look what you did. You won't ever be worth anything now." And the common thought is that when we do sin G-d is looking at us in anger just waiting to condemn us to Hell. But that is not the reality of my Jesus.

     The reality is that when you sin, His heart breaks. Because He has told us the truth. The truth that He made us, He made this whole earth, and He knows how it works. And He knows what will hurt us. And the only reason He has said one thing or another about how you live your life is because He wants you to HAVE life. His heart is broken for us when we sin because He sees how it hurts us and He knows that we were never meant to live that way. We were never meant to be alone or be broken the way we are. And as believers we are called His children so when we mess up and sin He doesn't get angry. He HURTS. Because He knows that we are His and He doesn't understand why would still choose brokenness over Him. And He knows where it's leading us to. He knows, even if we don't grasp it, that we are choosing Hell and death.

      If G-d wanted to control us, then He wouldn't have given us free will. G-d almighty of the whole universe can (I imagine it this way) snap His fingers or speak a word and have anything and everything He wants. The only thing He can't have that way is our unconditional free love. Sure, He could make us love Him, but that's not what He wants. He wants a free lover. He wants us to choose Him and love Him that way. He doesn't want robots. 

     The Bible uses the analogy that G-d is the Groom and we are the Bride so much and I think it is a perfect depiction. As nontraditional as this may sound, today G-d revealed it to me like this: It's like that movie Pretty Woman with Julia Roberts. Julia Roberts is playing a prostitute who is living a dangerous life that is leaving her broken and scarred. But then Richard Gere comes in and He says, "Please, come with me. I can give you a better life, I can give you all that you need and more. Trust me." And after she does, they get married, her life is better and they live happily ever after.

     This is very much what G-d does to us. He sees us whoring ourselves out trying to get love but He is begging us to come to Him because He has what we are searching for. 

     It's time to get over the "do's and don'ts" list and see that when we sin G-d doesn't hate us, He mourns us. With a heart's wound so vast that all the oceans could spill in and still have room for a flood of tears.

     Prayer: Father G-d, please take my legalistic heart of stone and resurrect it to a heart of flesh. A heart that breaks for what breaks yours. So that when I sin, when I am separated from you, my heart is broken just as yours so that I can come back to You and say that I am sorry. Thank you, Jesus for dying for me so that I don't have to. For giving me life. Forgive me for not seeing things as you, but give me Your eyes to see. Don't let me become so consumed with religion and ministry that I forget to be a lover to you. Like a bride waits in anticipation for her groom on her wedding night, I will wait for you. Holy Spirit, fill me with desire for Jesus and all things that are good and righteous in G-d's sight. Steal my heart from these fleeting joys I crave too much. In the beautiful name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

     Scripture: Ezekiel 16

If I Had Committed Suicide

If I Had Committed Suicide....

      Have you ever woken up only to wish you hadn't?

     Have you ever had someone that the words they said to you on a particular night depended on if you would continue living or not?

      Have you ever written a suicide note explaining to those you left behind, why?

      I've done all of these things. And many more. This isn't going to be a blog about my testimony, because that's not what is on my heart to share. Last night, I got home from work about 11:45 pm, normal time, and went into my bedroom where my wife was already laying ready for bed. I gave her a kiss and I laid my head on her chest just to look at her smiling face. And it was in that moment I thought, "If I had committed suicide all those years ago, this would have never happened." 

      That led me on a rabbit trail of all the things I never would have gotten to do if I had committed suicide before I gave my life over to Christ on March 26, 2011. I thought I should share those thoughts because if you've ever thought about suicide, or if you're thinking about it now, it might help you.

       So here is a list that humbles me to my core of things I would have never done had I committed suicide like I planned:

1. I would have never been a junior in high school.
2. I would have never driven a car as a licensed driver.
3. I would have never met some of my closest friends.
4. I would have never graduated high school
5. I would have never become friends with my best friend, Travis, whom I couldn't imagine life without.
6. I would have never wanted to start the bible study that introduced me to my wife.
7. I would have never gotten a tattoo
8. I would have never known that I was worth a man dying on a tree.
9. I would have never gotten married.
10. I would have never had a job
11. I would have never had my own apartment or house.
12. I would have never had kids.
13. I would have never known what it was like to pledge to stand next to someone for your whole life.
14. I would have never laid in my wife's comforting arms and looked at her smile.
15. I would have never danced in the moonlight under the stars.
16. I would have never known what it is to hope or love.
17. I would have never known who Jesus was.
18. I would have never known what it was like to be an adult.
19. I would have never had the relationships that hold me up so strongly right now.
20. I would have never known Megan Humphreys.

     There are so many other things that can go on that list. If I wasn't alive right now I wouldn't have felt then sunshine on my face today that brings such peace and innocence to life. I'm so thankful that Jesus showed up in my life before I ended it. But at the same time, I'm so thankful for those dark times. The times when I didn't want to wake up anymore, when life seemed too hard, when I had no hope. Simply because, if it wasn't for feeling so much pain, I wouldn't appreciate the sweetness of comfort. If you're reading this, no matter where you are in your life, know that you're worth it. You're not hopeless, or worthless, you're loved. By the creator of the whole universe. When you feel like there is no one out there cares whether or not you live or die, know that there is a meek man from Nazareth that wants so much for you to live a happy life in His arms. No matter what age you are, you won't be that age forever. Things are going to change so much. Keep faith in the darkest of times because when He carries you out you can scream over the mountains the things He has done for you, and ultimately, it could save someone else. Put the razor blade down and walk outside. Feel His love radiating in the sunshine that hits your face and see His beauty in the blue sky. This is your time now to wake up and rise from the dead. You don't have to keep living this way. It's a good day to be alive.

     I just want to thank G-d for bringing me so far, and my wife, Megan for loving me like Jesus loves the world and showing me there is so much beauty to keep seeing.